Posted On 28 May 2024
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This entry is part 17 of 25 in the series AusMotorcyclist Issue#33


Road safety is extremely important to us here at the Ministry and we will spare no expense being paid to us to ensure our statistics reflect that. It is one of my Key Performance Indicators after all, the amount of revenue raised.

It has thus come to my attention the terrifying relationship between motorcycle lean angle and tyre contact patch. Two things scare me, firstly the higher the lean angle the lower the contact patch the higher the likelihood of an accident. Secondly, until now there was no way to enforce it. By ‘enforce’ I mean ‘levy’.

So, we have come up with a brilliant thing, a smart phone app for all riders which we have called the Frequent Inclination Naughty Expense app, or FINE app. This app will measure a motorcycle’s lean angle and at any stage it exceeds a safe angle, currently determined to be 16 degrees, a FINE warning will occur, triggering an amount payable to the Ministry.

The same FINE will apply when the app senses an unsatisfactory forward or rearward tilt, so things like wheelies and stoppies will also trigger a tax.

Don’t worry, the FINE will not be payable for first time offenders. Oops, sorry that should read ‘will be payable’.

My mistake but it’s for your own good really, I’m just trying to keep you safer.

Besides, with the extra money we raise we’ll be able to instigate new safety measures, like recommended lean angle signs on corners (all being less than 16 degrees).

Now during the consultancy process (aka I asked my chauffeur driver what he thought) it was suggested to me that the only way a motorcycle could turn some corners at lower than 16 degrees was to drive inordinately slowly. I have a new chauffeur now, thanks for asking.

He had a point though, we can’t have motorcyclists slowing the rest of us down, just because they are trying to be safe or worse – trying avoid a fine. So, we’ll be putting minimum speeds limits on corners as well and yes, the app will be able to track those too. We think of everything.

So please enjoy our new FINE app, its mandatory after all. I know I will.

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